Hello beautiful peeps

I have returned from the harsh wastelands of the Gold Coast where I had a holiday. Of course, with fashion, as with alcoholism, you’re never truly free. Any time you’re around anyone who wears clothes (and that’s at least 95% of people on the Gold Coast) the fearsome spectre of fashion will raise it’s immaculately styled head.

I went shopping at a very large shopping centre and am still traumatised. Let me compile a list of fashion sins – so that you can avoid them. If you are currently involved in these sins – repent.

THE SEVEN DEADLY FASHION SINS (from my holiday)

1. Ed Hardy shirts

Yes, criticising everyone’s favourite walking, talking, black hole of taste, Christian Audigier, may be the fashion equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel, but it’s gotta be done.

Just stop it. Why do people still wear these things like a badge of honour? Shame on you for what you do.

2. UFC inspired clothing

This has been the biggest shock to me. We should be well aware of the influence of sport upon fashion – basketball shorts, rugby shirts, boxing style boots, we’ve seen them. Heck, Karen Walker even did netball bib inspired fashion a few years back. However, the influence of UFC on fashion is something I don’t think anyone saw coming. For those of you who don’t know, UFC is like pro wrestling, except they really hit each other. Large men, beating each other up. It’s a very simple concept. If you’ve ever been walking down the street and spotted some oversize ‚roid muncher popping out of an XXL shirt with the word’s TAPOUT, or AFFLICTION, written over it – you know exactly what I’m talking about. And don’t forget the extreme serif text. Whenever these guys have a text item printed on their shirts, each letter has to be more tentacular than an octopus.

3. Ugly cotton leggings

Yeah, you saw this one coming. Seriously, why do girls treat leggings like some kind of purely functional item with no fashion value? It’s like they think – „I need black, on my legs“, and that’s as far as the thought process goes. All leggings are not equal, darling.

4. Ugly Wet Look Leggings

Ugly cotton leggings are ugly, but wet look leggings have even greater scope for ugliness. This is because the shiny surface adds cost to the production and low end fashion labels will need cut corners in other areas to keep costs down. The first thing to be sacrificed: stretch. Generally, a fabric that doesn’t stretch well will be cheaper than a fabric that stretches well. So you get these wet look leggings that don’t fit properly and the girl has saggy knees, saggy ankles, and a saggy crotch. Funny as it may sound, saggy crotches aren’t attractive. Except to freaky people.

5. Jeggings

„Haha! They look like jeans -but they’re actually tights!!!“ No, they look like cheap and nasty tights pretending to be cheap and nasty jeans. You ain’t fooling anyone.

6. See through dress with polka dotted undies

Yes, I saw this on more than one occasion.

7. Glued on Studded leggings

The whole studded leggings thing was something that should have worked. But it didn’t. No, really, it didn’t. Please trust me on this one.

BONUS SIN:

– Too much bra detail.

If I can describe every aspect of your bra in detail from memory after one look at your outfit, you might need to rethink how your styling the top half up there.

x
jL